Grief

Recently i experienced Grief on a level which ive never before had to face. My Father unexpectedly passed away last month and so many things were left unsaid that it has devestated me. Growing up My father wasnt actively involved in my life due to a combination of mental health disorders and alcohol/drug use. To my misfortune that father figure role was never filled by any other person either. I was able to see my dad sometimes though, and when i did it always seemed to mean the world to me. During our time together my dad did his best to make me feel special, and every little girl needs that. However, if words of love arent followed with actions of love, the love is deemed non-exhistant. So through out the years it truthfully made me more confused when he would say he loved me and was proud of me, yet he never kept his promises, never there when i was lonely, And never protected me. I grew up without any siblings in the home and one dog that was kept outside. My mother and stepfather werent capable of providing the extra emotional support i needed in my pre-teen years, so they placed me in a group home where i lived with other girls my age for about a year and a half. Once i reached highschool i started to seek love and acceptance from anyone i could get to pay attention to me. I was always treated poorly by my family, and was never really accepted by anyone. so i spent my life Alone mostly..... i developed these exaggerated ideas of family, and love. I spent more time dreaming up dreams than being part of reality. Still today, the aspects of my childhood directly influence every decision i make. This past year has been the hardest year yet of my life, but somehow i managed to not only survive but also raise twin girls that are my absolute everythinhg. My father died without ever meeting his twin granddaughters, and that breaks my heart. He lived a sad boring and lonely life, I wish that wasnt true but it is. I guess while my dad was still alive i always felt that there was a tiny tiny possibility that one day i might get that recognition and love i yearned for. Now that he is gone, i have to accept that i no longer have a chance for that, its gone and will never have the chance to get it back either. All the hurt i have felt through out my life, and all the character traits i developed because my father was the way he was are still there. He vanished in the blink of an eye, and life just get going as if he nev er existed. So do i let myself hold on to the anger, the wonder, the pain i have held all these years? No! i can't. My father is dead and i must live this live with no one there beside me, ive got to stop dreaming, and start living. i cant let things in my past control my future anymore. Ive somehow got to figure out how to love myself though i dont know what real love actually is. I have to toss my damages to the curb so that they dont spread to my kids. We are all just a product of the hurt in our hearts